Dark Sarcasm In the Classroom
by Pantsless Jo
Summary: A House High School AU! Chase, Cameron, and Foreman are three seniors, and House is their hot new teacher. Will skanky Cameron succeed in seducing him, or will House realize the true love between him and Chase? Or will evil Principle Cuddy deny theirpassi
1. Chapter 1

**Dark Sarcasm (In the Classroom)**

_Daddy's home cross the Ocean.  
Leaving just a memory.  
The snapshot in the Family album.  
Daddy what else did you leave for me?  
Damn It! What did you leave behind for me?  
All in all it was just a brick in the wall.  
All in all it was all just bricks in the wall._  
--Pink Floyd  
_Another Brick In The Wall_

**Chapter 1**: **_An Elephant Falls in Jersey_**

_5:38 AM:_

James Wilson got up to do his hair because he was so vain it took him three hours every day and still looked suckass. And then an elephant fell on him. No one was unhappy.

_7:35 AM:_

"OMG hurry up Chase you're gonna make us laaaate!" Cameron whined.

Chase sighed and rolled his eyes, stuffing things into his locker. Cameron was such a pain and he didn't know why he kept her around, especially since she'd taken to wearing knitted corsets to show off her cleavage without breaking school rules. Not that after her summer of fasting she had much cleavage left.

But she still got lots of wolf-whistles from the hot guys, and Chase had to admit maybe that was why he liked her, because if the hot guys were looking at Cameron he could look at the hot guys without being noticed.

He sighed again. His life was so pain.

End Chapter 1


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2:** _**The Unbearable Lateness of Being**_

"OMG, Chase, hurry up, we're gonna be late!" Cameron whined. Again. (A/N: I know I just did this last chapter but they we had angst so I thought I'd reintroduce some stuff. ;)

"I am hurrying!" Chase said. It was the first day of school but his locker was already a mess because he was going to practically have to live out of it, because his mother was a terrible abusive drunk and his father was a terrible abusive doctor, but that second wasn't so bad because at least he wasn't around.

"I heard the new teacher is totally hot," Cameron said impatient, staring past him. "Why is there so much stuff in your locker?"

Chase sighed, heart heavy. No one understood his pain. It was so hard, being a really brilliant high school student, having an alcoholic mother, and being gay. And all the other kids mocked his clothing so he wasn't even getting the limited benefits of the gayness. And his only friends were Cameron and Foreman. Cameron was, well, a slut, and Foreman just didn't understand.

"CHAAASE!" Cameron whined, again.

"I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying. And... there's stuff in my locker because... it's not important!" Chase said, and slammed the door shut, earning him several looks from the people around him. He squirmed under their scruitiny, imagining them picking out all his flaws, mocking his weaknesses in their head. "It's not any of their business," he muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" Cameron asked, anxiously smoothing down her skirt. "And how does my hair look?"

"It looks fine."

"I bet it doesn't," Cameron said, whipping a compact out of her pocket. "I don't understand it. How do you get such pretty hair? You don't even condition!"

"I do too!"

"Are you two talking about hair again?" snitted a passing student. "Cameron and Chase, sitting in a tree!"

"Gross!" Cameron yelled, snapped the compact shut, and stormed down the hall.

Chase sighed and followed her. Clearly this was going to be a great year.

End Chapter 2  



	3. Chapter 3

**_Chapter 3: For Whome the Schoolbell Tolls_**

House sighed and studied his paperwork. The room was filling up and soon he was going to actually have to do something with the brats. He couldn't believe they'd actually talked him into teaching. He'd wanted to do something cool, like being a fighter pilot, but appearently you couldn't do that with a bad leg. Bastards.

(A/N: omg I know the infarction happened later on but House isn't House without the leg so in this universe it happened in high school for HIM too isn't that angsty? Oh and Stacy was his older sister not his lover because I never thought they had any chemistry at all but she needed to be there to SCREW HIM OVER, so yeah.)

He was planning on extracting revenge on the powers-that-be by tormenting the little creatures every possible change. He figured since they were seniors nobody would much care.

He sighed again and looked up just as the last two students trickled into the room, then raised his eyebrows appreciatively. The girl was... well... let's just say the girl was the kind of thing that lead to statutory rape reports and made him re-evaluate the possibilities of knitting. Behind her, slumping and staring at his shoes, was some kind of blond boy. Probably her boyfriend, but there was always the fag-hag possibility. The girl, anyway, because boys couldn't really fag hag, there was probably a term for that but he didn't know it. Except he didn't think a fag would dress that badly.

Just then as the final bell rang the boy raised his eyes and House was briefly moved by the weelspring of untold pain he glimpsed in those eyes as the boy swept past and to his desk. Also, he had a nice ass.

House smiled and straightened, preening a bit under the look the knit-slut was giving him while he tried to shake the memory of those soulful blue eyes from his mind. Maybe being a teacher wouldn't suck after all.

"Good morning, class," he chirped. "I'm Mr. House, and you're going to _love_ me."

End Chapter 3  
(OMG, in Chapter 4, somebody dies! j/k. but read on, it'll be good i swear)


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: **_The Schedulist Papers_

"OMG," Cameron giggled behind her hand, "they were right, he is so totally hot."

"He doesn't shave," Chase observed, sullenly.

"That just makes him hotter! The messy look is totally in this year, Chase. Except on you." She shuddered, delicately. "Never on you."

"Thanks," he grumbled, and sunk lower in the chair. The teacher was giving his first day speach, something about their firey deaths of nameless pain and torture if they didn't listen, but Chase was used to tuning that stuff out from all the abuse his terrible abusive parents abusively heaped on him. He had long ago learned not to let verbal slings get to him or he would be crying in a ball, but no, that was a lie, they did get to him and inside he was crying, but never let it show outside, oh no.

Cameron was going on. "His eyes are so blue, they're way better than yours, and that limp."

"You... like the limp?" Chase asked, confused.

"Of course! Pain is sexy. Haven't you been reading the magazines?"

"I don't buy the magazines. I can't, my money goes to--" he stopped. He never wanted to share that with Cameron. "My money goes to other things."

"What could be more important than fashion?" Cameron gaped at him.

"Stuff!" Chase said, gesturing.

"Hey, you two in the back!" the teacher yelled. "Next to the black guy! HORRIBLE PAINFUL DEATH!"

"You made me look bad in front of him!" Cameron hissed, and kicked his ankle. Chase winced.

The teacher rolled his eyes. "Anyway, you all suck, and I'm going to toss your schedules in a pile up here. Grab 'em if you want 'em. I've got some of you in other classes, I'm sure it'll be fun, whatever," he said, and walked out.

"I think I'm in love," Cameron declared, but the Pledge of Allegiance drowned her out.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Detroit, a water buffalo fell on a billionair named Vogler. (A/N: I promised a death!)

"You are not in love!" Chase hissed at her.

"I am too!" Cameron snitted back, while the rest of the class milled confusedly. "And shut up, you're being unpatriotic!"

"I don't care! I'm not even from this country! And you fall in love every week! What, does this mean you have to break up with Heath Ledger now?"

"Shut up!" Cameron said, and stormed up to get her schedule. But she got his too, which meant everything was all right. Deep down inside, she really was a softy. Just a bit of a slut. (A/N: Ppl said I was being too hard on Cameron I hope this helps.) When she brought the schedules back she was beaming. "OMG, I can't believe it, we have him for three classes, third, fifth, and seventh period!"

"Budget cuts must have been bad this year," Chase sad. "Wait, we?"

"Oh yeah. We have all the same classes again. Isn't it weird how that happens?" Cameron asked, rooting through her purse for some gum.

Chase groaned. God hated him.

End Chapter Four  
(Chapter five:Cuddy!)


End file.
